Anna Kloots and My Own Magic

Lifestyle Instagrammer and best selling author Anna Kloots joins the podcast to discuss her new memoir My Own Magic. She talks about new beginnings in the face of divorce, her love of pumpkin pie, and of course, how to make your own magic. 

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Transcript

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Hello, welcome back to the Red Fern book review. I am your host, Amy Mair. And today I have a very personal and also exciting interview with Instagram, influencer and best selling author Anna Kloots. And she has written a really special book. It's a memoir about the unraveling of her marriage, and her rebuilding of her life. And it's called My Own Magic. And the name comes from, she was married to a magician, a well known magician. And she travelled the world for many years as the magician's assistant. But things didn't work out in the end. And at a pretty young age, actually, she got divorced at 30, and then then rebuilt her life. So anyway, you might wonder why I said it was personal. It's personal, because very unexpectedly, my marriage ended this year. I had never anticipated that that would happen. And it did. And for most of the year, my husband and I tried to make it work. And ultimately, we couldn't. And it just kind of ended officially about a month ago. And a couple of days in my dear friend Susie came by with this book. And at first, I didn't really want to read it because well, I didn't really want to read. So you know, things are bad when I don't feel like reading. But on top of it, I had followed Anna, she's a really fun aspirational sight. If she lives in Paris, and she's got an amazing life and partner, but because she's so much younger, and glamorous, I just thought, what did she have to say? But I was really surprised that she had a lot to say, in fact. So that's what our conversation is about. And I'm really excited to be able to talk with her. So let's move over and talk with her now. Hi, Anna, thanks so much for joining the podcast. Oh, you're so welcome. Thank you for having me. The first question I want to ask you, because I follow you on Instagram is how did your early Thanksgiving go? And I am also American living in Canada. So it's not it's I'm adjacent. I'm nearby but I was just kind of wondering what how that experience was and how did your guests receive what you made. It was surely so beautiful. I had never hosted Thanksgiving before or cooked that whole meal on my own. And it to do it for the first time here in Paris in my apartment was was really beautiful it like I one point I started kind of crying right away. Because I put on like the music my dad would play when he would start cooking Thanksgiving dinner and then just instantly those smells happen and when it's the same recipes, you're hit with these smells that like I don't get care often because we don't do those things. And I became very nostalgic and I was like tearing up of like, I can't believe I'm this is like I'm a grown up doing this in my Paris kitchen of this like apartment in place I always wanted to live in and I'm doing this for my French boyfriend's family. So it was it was very beautiful, like the whole process of cooking. And then sharing that meal with with people who didn't grow up eating it and thought it was, you know, bizarre and fun. was also a really fun chance to share a bit of who I am and what my culture is. Because you don't do that often. When you're living in another country. It's a lot of learning. You know, you're the one who's displaced yourself and you're the visitor and so you're doing the learning and you're doing the question asking and the trying to understand and adapting. So it was really fun to sort of for an afternoon, explain a bit about my culture and share those recipes and traditions. Was there a Was there something they loved or didn't like that was like an unusual taste for them. Didn't like pumpkin pie the French the French don't like I mean you hate to generalize many French people I know. Do not like cinnamon. It It's not a part of their cuisine at all. Okay, just as like a really, it's a taste that they don't enjoy. And then the same with pumpkin. They don't they don't cook pumpkin really they have pumpkin soup in the fall, but it's not. It's not very popular. So the concept of like eating that as a dessert was not did not go over well, I knew it would be a long shot, but I felt like I had to make them a pumpkin pie. I was like, I started saying, You do not have to like this. You don't have to pretend you like this, if you hate this, I understand. But I wanted to make it for you. Because I think it's the only chance he will ever have to try this. And so, you know, told me what you think. But it was funny. Okay, um, I wanted to ask you, you're a travel influencer, among other things. And I wanted to know where your deep desire from travel comes from, and what perspective you feel the extensive travel that you do is given you. I tried to answer this question. In my book, when I was writing my memoir, I was trying to define where did it come from, because we didn't travel a lot as as kids and my family, there were seven of us, we couldn't afford to travel. And I didn't know, you know, I didn't really have an education in in different places. So I truly just have to believe that it was innate. And I traced it back to books, I traced it to loving my visits to the library as a little kid, and checking out all these books that i i read, like, you know, religiously, all through my life. And those were my first kind of like adventures and escapes. And I remember reading, you know, the Chronicles of Narnia and being like, what is Turkish delight, I want to try that I want to walk through a wardrobe and I would read these books called, but like it was the life of Georgia, Nicholson, they were like her diaries, and she would lived in England, and then she went to Scotland in New Zealand. And, like, that's how I learned about those places. And that made me want to go to those places. So I really think it was that it was these like, I transported myself through books first and then it made me want to go have that experience. Okay, so let's, let's talk about the memoir, I was wondering, just a little, a little backstory, what happened was, I had mentioned this to you and I reached out that my marriage is ending unexpectedly. And a dear friend bought brought your book by. And I really didn't want to read it, because like, it was given to me within the first week, and I followed you on Instagram, because you're fun and kind of aspirational for me, and you're beautiful, and all this stuff. And I was like, I do not want to read her book, and you're also a lot younger, and then all of a sudden, it just, it really helped me a lot. And I was just kind of wondering, What Why do you think this book is reaching people that I mean, I just didn't think I could relate to I want I want to maybe be like, you can't relate and I found it very relatable. That really makes me so happy. That's the best review and compliment anyone could ever give the project I spent four years working on because that was completely my intent. I wrote it to help people feel seen and, and to relate to the situation that that I went through because I knew regardless of how different our lives are as, as people as women, regardless of age and location, and all the other factors, we we deal with this loss of self almost universally, and whether it's from a relationship as it often is, and that could be a romantic relationship or you know, a friend a family member it can be or you can lose yourself and your job. People have told me they lost themselves temporarily and motherhood there there's so many things that you get involved with because you love you know, the intent is good, but then you end up really kind of losing sight of yourself because you are you know in the in the name of love and goodness, you just keep giving and giving and giving of your time and your needs and your own, you know, desires and dreams because you're you're making something happen for someone or something else. And I I really felt like we don't talk about that enough. And when I started going through my divorce I I really felt very alone because I didn't really have anyone to relate to most of my friends. You know, I got divorced at 30 Most of my friends in New York weren't even engaged yet. They you know, no one had been through divorce is that I had from my sister, and even then it was a very different situation. So she could help me in many ways, but but also, you know, not in others. And I, I went to a bookstore, trying to find a book to make me feel better. Because, you know, as I said, like books were just always my outlet for inspiration and help and everything. And I, I was going to the bookstore that day and couldn't find anything that I liked. And I, I kind of just said, I want to write a book that I would want to pick up right now. That is just someone I could relate to, where it works out better in the end, because I really did believe it would work out better. I knew it was the right thing. And I knew I would get there. But I just needed to feel like I wasn't crazy. I wasn't the only person in the world having these thoughts. I wasn't the only person that were all there was lost. And, and so that's just sort of what I wrote. And I think, I think the true, like, the reason people connect to that is because it is this very universal thing, that you may not have someone in your immediate group of family or friends that you're comfortable talking about something so deeply complex and painful about. But to be able to relate to someone on paper is is almost just as powerful. I, I agree with all of that now. Okay, I have a lot of questions. So the first question I wanted to ask you is about your relationship to change. And when I look back, as my marriage was unraveling this year, I realized now one of the main reasons I didn't want it to end is I didn't want anything to change. And I don't really like change. And I just couldn't envision being alone or being without my husband. It's just I just wanted it all to be the same. And I wanted to know, I mean, you made a big move after your divorce. But what is your relationship to change and post divorce? Or like, how do you, I can feel that I can, I mean, I'm just at the beginning of this journey, but I have a feeling I'm going to be more well, I don't have a choice I have to change. So I just want to know what you how, how you relate to that right now. I think that I felt exactly that same way. And I I was, you know, I wasn't the one who ended my marriage. My ex husband was but I, I wasn't happy. But I was too afraid to end it for that same reason. I was like, Well, what would the next chapter look like? All I know, is this person and even though I'm not actually, you know, I felt like that's like your comfort zone, right? Like, we don't want change, because we think we're the comfort zone. But you have to stop and ask, like, is this comfort zone actually comfortable? Like, am I happy here? Is this working? And if the answer is no, which a lot of the time it is, then in my head, you really only stand to gain. Because if things are not good, if you change it up, you have the ability to fix what's wrong to make it better to rethink it. And, and you in going through that moment of rebuilding, everything becomes really intentional. And I I realized that as I was in this, you know, kind of like at ground zero of of my divorce and was going into okay, everything has to change. But I realized a I've done this before I have we all have, we've all left our parents home to go to college, we've all left that dorm and this you know to move here, we've all moved to a city for a new job, we've, we've all had it on these small levels. So when you look back, you have to give yourself credit for what you have already done. And realized there have already been a lot of times in my life where big change has happened. And more often than not, it probably probably resulted in good. And new, new friends, new hobbies, new experiences, new developments, new jobs, like usually you grow when you change. And so I really went back I took all that inventory. And then I looked at it as this opportunity to have a reality that I was truly comfortable and happy with instead of living in this place of like I don't want anything to change. I'm just gonna stay here even though I'm not happy with it. And and when you start rebuilding, you really do get to say like, Okay, what am I going to, you know, even just waking up on my own for the first time I was like, Okay, I used to wake up and have to like, be silent, because I'm an early riser and my ex husband wasn't so I'd be like, tiptoeing around our apartment and not turning any lights on and you know, in the same that's the same with clothes out of the closet to go to the gym and just hoping I need to wake him up because I didn't want to feel bad. So then I wake up on my own and I'm like, How do I want my day to start? Do I want to wake up early to it? Want to sleep in, like everything got a reset? And then like absolutely everything what it because so much of my life I was living for someone else and around their needs or rules or restrictions. And so everything became so intentional. And that's when I decided to move to France. I was like, Do I even want to live in New York anymore? Or am I just living here because I've been living here. And so I was like, I'm doing what I want to do. I'm moving to France. And I realized I'm waking up, I blasting music, and I'm dancing, I don't have to tiptoe around in the dark anymore. I get to spend my morning how I want to spend my morning, I'm buying a coffee machine, because I wasn't allowed to have one before I buy a coffee machine. And I'm gonna spend my mornings drinking coffee and dancing with the music blasting and like, the smallest thing like that makes the hugest positive change to very quickly, you start to look back and go. I don't know how I used to live like that. I don't know how I let myself live in that place for so long. And I would have kept living like that, and never discovered the joy waiting on the other side of this growth. Okay, what about the power of saying yes, post divorce? You've talked about that as well. You You said you went through a phase where you just kind of said yes to everything. And tell me about that. Yeah, I think that a lot of that was just part of, of that of what I was saying of this, like intentional rebuilding of my life. I didn't want to just fall into the old habits of what I would do and what didn't do just because it was what I was used to. And when I moved here, specifically, I I was like, Okay, I don't know anyone. I don't know, what it's like to really live here. And so saying, yes. Sort of just became my rule of like, I'm going to say yes to anything that is offered to me, you know, within reason, of course. But you know, any invitation I get to go somewhere, I'm just gonna say yes. I'm not gonna be the you know, will it? Will it be too loud? Will I not know anybody? I don't even know. I don't I don't like that kind of food. I don't want it. And I just was like, no, yes. No more excuses. I'm saying yes. And any, like work opportunity that came my way? Yes. Okay. Even if it wasn't enough money, even if it was too much time, even if an opportunity came? Yes. And I did that basically to just kind of bring about more and more of of that change, and not be too stuck in my old ways to embrace do things and, and try new things. And, and I had to like I used to have to say no to so much in my in my old life. Because again, I was putting someone else first. And you know, you often have to do that when you're when someone else is involved with the picture. You can't just say yes, you kind of have to make sure it works with their life, too. And so so much of so much had been no for so long. That then it just became you know, my, my goal. I've just I'm saying yes to everything. Because it's because I can I don't have anyone that I have to run things by anymore, or anybody who is going to tell me no, for whatever reason. So the answer is yes. Even Would you go out even when you didn't feel like it because there's obviously times during this period, you're just not feeling great, did you so she sort of made that commitment. Just say I'm going to get up anyway. Well, I mean, I really put this into play once i After about a couple like this idea actually hit me on my wedding anniversary. So my, my divorce started in June, and my wedding anniversary was the end of August. And that day I was I was thinking about, you know, my wedding and that I had, you know, had this wedding and I was very much like, I don't think I ever will want to get married again. And I felt like I had you know, like wasted my wedding. I had this like period of time where I was like it's so sad that like I won't do that again. And like I will have that like proposal moment again. Like I wasted that. Yes. Like that one special. Yes. You know, this thought entered my head and I very quickly dismissed it. Like I very quickly was like that's not right, like it's not right at all, there will be so many other exciting yeses. And so I think you know, that initial moment of like, I had a full two or three months where I really didn't want to go anywhere see anyone and I had a lot of embarrassment and shame and and this kind of hit after that. So I was already kind of feeling better and very much like excited about this new chapter of my life when I instituted this like we're saying yes, I always feel like you have to guard you know, you have to guard like if you really No, like I'm unwell. And I shouldn't be out tonight, then no. Answers. No. But it was it was me being like, I have to say yes to times that I might just want to say no, because my comfort zone is like, I want to do that. Okay. Um, okay, I have a question about Amanda Kloots and Nick Cordero. And I, for those people who don't know who they are, or maybe they don't understand the connection, could you tell everybody and specifically, I wanted you to address the quote that Nick, when Nick said to you, Annie, best day ever, could you? Could you explain that? Yeah, Amanda is my as my older sister is closest in age to me and Nick was my is my late brother in law, who Amanda, Nick and I all lived in New York at the same time, and with along with my other sister, Ali, and we used to hang out all the time as a little trio, because we both worked these, you know, unusual, our jobs. So we got very close, and I would be at their apartment all the time. And it was a really beautiful thing, because someone who is your immediate family is, you know, my immediate family in the wake of my divorce was just so worried and, and just, you know, sad, and they're feeling what you're feeling and, and they're also crying, because you're crying. But then someone who really knows you and loves you, but it's like that just you know, it's a brother in law, or it's, it's, there's something that like, they're not they haven't been with you your whole life. Nick just saw my strength and power and capability and talent when I couldn't. And, and the night that my husband actually left, I went up to their apartment and stayed at their apartment, and I was just crying all day, you know, just couldn't do anything. I just felt like my life was over. And Nick just had the biggest smile on his face at the end of the day and gave me a huge hug. And he said, Annie, best day ever. And I looked at him like, you know, huh, I thought it was like making a funny joke. And he was just said, he said, No, this is going to be the best day of your life. This person was holding you back. You get to live your own life. Now, I can't wait to see what you do with it. And it was just the absolute best thing anyone could have possibly said to me. And the best thing that I think you could kind of ever say to somebody at that point. Because, you know, our gut says to just like empathize and to match their level, right? So like, if someone's down, you should be down. And you know, it's going to be okay, this is awful. I'm sorry. But someone just reminding you that, like they see the you that maybe you're not able to see in that moment. And they know you're gonna be just fine. In fact, you're gonna be so great that it just was like it. It just stuck with me. I mean, I've almost gotten it to I joked with him for a while there, I was gonna get it tattooed on my body. Because it truly when I looked back, like that was the day that I got my life back. That was the day that I took control of things back. And it did turn out to be the best day ever. Because it was the day I got to start over. And it it just was I mean, he always had such perfect things to say. But it was such a beautiful, such a beautiful moment. And my brother in law passed away in July of 2020. And it's truly just something that has really stuck with me of him helping me through the absolute worst day of my life and convincing me that it was actually the best one. Okay, I have a question. In the book, you talk about how divorce tempts you to look back and see all the bad things. But it you talk about how not to discount the good times? Is that something you were able to do right away? Or how did you get there? No, I, I kind of was able to do that right away. I will say that I think this is the same with any kind of grief or loss or pain, your your feelings about it change every day. And that initial, you know, however long that takes a year or a couple of months, like your feelings might change every single day. But I did initially sort of feel like I'm really upset that this has ended up this way. This is not this was not what I wanted or hoped for. And even the way it happened was not You know, what I would have hoped for if I if I had to end up divorce, I would have loved for that to be a mutual decision that we both reach in a loving way, you know, not what happened. But I was able to sort of say I don't, I can't discredit all the things that this person has shown me, taught me the wonderful experiences we've had together, you know, those things still last. And I think by just by not recognizing them, you're only kind of setting yourself up to hurt more, you know, like it, I never wanted to look back on that 10 years of my life as like, Well, that was a total waste, like, of course, it wasn't, I fell in love with someone and I had a beautiful, beautiful years of, of traveling together and experiences. And there were certainly hard times and, and hardships throughout all of that. But there was a lot of good as well, you know, nothing is ever so completely black and white. And you have to look at those shades of grey. And for me, it really helped me, it really like helped me heal, and move on to really focus on those good things and say there's some really beautiful takeaways from, from this marriage that I will always cherish and be very thankful for. Another question I had for you, and I'm new in this process, but I've decided that I think there's a moment where your marriage is over before you're willing to acknowledge it. And it throughout the book, you talk a lot you You were quite young, but you talk about not trusting your gut. And now looking back, is there a moment when you it could be any time even before you got married, but did you know it was maybe wrong or that you needed to get out but you weren't ready to face that. I mean, that's there's a there's an essay in my book called hoodwinked. It's about halfway through. And I that essay, I started writing that day, in 20, I think that was 2018 or 17. And it was it hit me in that moment that my marriage wasn't going to work, I knew it wasn't going to work. And I knew that fighting for it to work was probably the wrong thing to do. And that's why that that's why that that image is that is on my book cover because I identified that as the moment that I first accepted that I needed more. And that i i You know, I there was a shift in my head that day. And i i In retrospect though, I I've said many times when my marriage because that was right. I mean, if you're listening you haven't read the book, my husband tried to end our marriage about a year and a half before it actually ended. And it was a very for me traumatic experience and I just wasn't it came out of nowhere and I just wasn't willing to accept it. And so I fought really really hard to kind of make him stay and keep trying and and I was just you know, I said I'm willing to do anything to make this work. And so we kept trying and went to therapy together and had another you know, year and a half or so before it really ended. So I had when it ended ended then I looked back at that of being like I should have just left this end a year and a half ago. But actually I wasn't ready to you also would have questioned that I think because you would you don't want to leave and not have tried because then you might not you don't mind and all that. So for me even though I kind of first accepted and knew I think this is not going to work at that point. And so remain married for another you know year ish. I had to keep I had to know that I gave it absolutely everything. And I think the piece I walked away with when it did end was that knowledge was like I have tried everything I have sacrificed everything I possibly can nothing, nothing works Nothing Is it nothing I can do is gonna fix this. And I I think that's why I very quickly was able to kind of accept it because I really felt like I gave it absolutely everything in every way that I could. Um, so as you were discovering who the new you are post double Are You? You? I? I'm doing this right now you make little steps like whether it's opening my own bank account or all that kind of thing. What what is looking back what was sort of that most significant step that you took or something that you thought was worth something really shifted for the first time that I when I decided to appear when I decided to move to France. I, it was funny, it should, that idea should have hit me right away. But it didn't, because I was still just so like, a afraid of change initially. And I just wanted to be as comfortable as I could. So I started looking at apartment in New York to be near to my mom and dad, my mom was actually looking in her building that were like, rent the place upstairs. And I was like, yeah, maybe that's a good idea. And you know, I just, I just started like, basically trying to just like, adapt my life into this new situation as easily as I could. And, and then when I left later that summer for a trip, which was, you know, started with work, but then ended up kind of being like my own like, Eat, Pray Love summer. When I got to Paris, I was just so happy. I was so happy. And I was just having the best day and the best time. And I was like, why am I not moving here. This was always my dream, this is where I wanted to live. And when I kind of just stood up and said to no one but me, I'm moving here to Paris, I suddenly got so excited. Like it, it was such a big, and it felt like the first really big thing that I was choosing that I knew I wanted and I knew wouldn't have been possible in this old life. And it just felt really, really empowering to be like this is this is what I'm going to do. And that was kind of like the start of have all the excitement. Yeah, and you're also you're not comparing to like I one thing I can compare both my kids have left home. And when my when the last one left i i started to do some new things, including this podcast, because then it's like, it's not like an empty seat at the table. It's like a new experience. So it's always my dream. And I think sometimes, you know, we have these crazy dreams. And then it's so easy to just part with them because they're crazy. Or hard or complicated. But that really felt like if I don't go for this now, like I kind of had nothing to lose in my head, I had already lost everything, like an apartment gone, job gone, everything gone. And so I was like, if I have to start over completely, now is the time to just go after the wild dream. Because I can always come back to what I already know if it doesn't work out. But it felt like the opportune time to just take a crazy chance. So in your acknowledgments you you thank your acts for the things that he taught you or that you had together. And then you also think you are a magician's assistant, you talk about how magic help you can you and your book is called my own magic. Can you? Can you elaborate on that? Yeah, I mean, I, because of the because of the Magic community, I saw the whole world. And even though I did find a lot of the a lot of existing within that world very challenging, which I talked about in my book, because, you know, you're in this like niche world where you're not, you know, it's not your interest, that's not your passion. And you're a bit of an you know, I became a bit invisible, because that's just, I think, what can happen when you're completely immersed in someone else's existence, and you have no, you know, ties to your own. But because of all the various places that my husband's job took us and the different opportunities that brought like, I had so many incredible experiences. And I did meet some very wonderful people and, and had a lot of fun and funny moments and lessons learned. So there was no way to me to finish you know, you write the acknowledgments last, or at least I did, like truly the last thing I wrote. And when it came time to write all about I was like there's no way I couldn't thank, you know, both my husband and the Magic community for helping me to grow into who I am to see the world to have this, you know, kind of rebirth that at this age and go after everything I wanted, you know everything you get to where you are because of everything you've been through. And ultimately what I ended up here living the life, I always wanted to live and doing the thing I always wanted to do. I kind of feel like I have no choice but to look back at everything that got me here with gratitude. Because even if they were hard lessons learned, like it brought me here, it brought me to where I ultimately wanted to be. So you have a boyfriend and you're in love, and I wanted to know, he's very cute. You guys are so cute. What? Okay, I can see, I already can see how you're you could bring baggage forward with you. But what are the positive lessons from? Like, you must know what you want or expectations? Like, how are you? How are you showing up in this current relationship that you couldn't have shown up for? If he hadn't been through your divorce? You know, I think I think the thing is, is you show up, you show up for you, you show up for yourself. The first time, at least me and I think this can apply to many people. I just was so enamored with my ex husband, when I met him, I thought he was amazing. I not only put him on a pedestal, I built it, you know, and just like anything, I just wanted to be the person that he wanted to be with and that he needed. And so I just kept changing and sacrificing and shifting and trying to make him happy. And that is how I completely lost sight of my own needs, wants dreams desires. When I went into relationship this time, I was so aware of what I had to guard with all of my might, and never compromise away. Because when I trade away those things, I lose me and I can't be in I can't be half of a healthy relationship if I'm not me. And if I'm not healthy, and if I'm not feeling good. So I every relationship requires compromise. You know, there's there's zero scenario in which you're never gonna have to compromise anything to be with someone else and to make it work. But I learned what parts of me i are not on the table, like what parts, if someone needs that to change to be with me, then I have to be out. Because if I trade away that I lose who I am. And I also became very aware of like, what parts of me Should someone not need, like, if they need this to change, then that's a you know, that's a red flag that I should run, because that's a part of me I love or that's a part of me, that makes me me, that is a defining me character. And if they don't like that particular thing, then this isn't going to work. Because I shouldn't have to change that part of me in order to gain someone else's love. And I think that lesson can honestly only be learned after going through a bad breakup or or divorce because once you're on your own again, and you have to take care of you. That's like it's a lot of healing to do. And it is a hard road for a lot of people to pave back to who they are. But once you get that person back, and you become this actually like 2.0 version of yourself, because now you're you're stronger and you're smarter and you're, you know, you're just like much more aware of, of what, you know, what can happen to you if you don't protect these things that I was I just went into this relationship. So 100% Me and so certain that I had to always take care of myself in order to be a good part of this relationship. Having to do all those things and remain open hearted. like kinda like open to being vulnerable, like because you have to balance that. Yeah, I mean, it's I, I guess I don't think it is. I've always been very open hearted. So I don't necessarily feel like for me, that was a particular struggle. That wasn't a challenge. Yeah, it wasn't a challenge. I think what is just hard is is setting though its boundaries essentially right? It's like you, you setting the boundary. And it's just as difficult as it is, it was just as difficult for me to do with family. It can be difficult to do with friends, because you love these, you love these people. But when you set a boundary, like the people you love should then they shouldn't be threatened by that, you know, like a boundary isn't going to threaten a relationship that is, at its core good and pure. And someone who truly cares about you. The only people who are going to be threatened and mad about boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from the lack of them. And so I didn't really find it a struggle because I I went in, I mean, I was dating some other people that yeah, maybe it wasn't working. And I was just very quickly like, okay, but when I met my boyfriend, like, I, I never felt any sort of pushback on any of these things of that. I didn't know that I was very clear, like, nope, for me, it's this or No, it has to be this. And I and I always also encourage the person you know, my boyfriend to have those as well like it, you have to have those healthy boundaries, you have to protect who you are, in order to really show up in a relationship. What language do you guys speak when you're together? By the way? I just curious, do you spell reached such a mix of honey? I know other you know, other couples who do the same thing? Apparently, they say we're like, I might switch halfway through a sentence. It's very bizarre. But like, I'd say, we have spoken more English over the last couple of years. Because when I met my boyfriend, he didn't speak English. So I really like, Okay, we have to teach you after about six months, I was like, I think we need to work on your English because I want you to be able to know my family. And, you know, it was like, they don't know where to French, you're never gonna get to like talk to my dad. And he really wanted to learn English as well. So we for a while we were speaking primarily English. But we speak truly like such a funny mix of broglio such a funny mix wrongly. And it could be on a whim. Well, that those are all my questions. And I I just really am grateful for the time you spent and actually, I just got a lot of May I have a lot of new tips to start my new life with. I'm, I'm I'm Seth, I really appreciate your questions that I'm just so thankful that my, my experiences is helpful to you and relatable. And it means a lot to me that to hear that because like I said at the beginning that is that is why I wrote this book. Thank you and good luck. Well, your book. So you are going you're traveling now did you say part of it is a book tour. You'll do some a little a few book events or I am doing a book event in London this coming Tuesday. And then I doing a book event in Fort Lauderdale on November 28. Okay, good. Thank you so much, Anna. Thank you so much. I hope you have a lovely weekend when Thursday. Because Thursday. Okay. Thursday, okay. Bye, bye. Thanks so much to Anna for coming on the podcast. That was really amazing on a whole bunch of levels. First of all, she made me instantly feel a lot better. And I learned a lot. And one of the things that I took away was when she talked about that universal feeling of starting over and how we've all done that, whether it's starting a new job or moving to a new city, starting a new school. And I have done all those things. And so that means maybe I can do this. And I don't really have a choice. But it I thought that's kind of a easy way to look at this time. And the other thing I want to say is that I'm really grateful that she came on, and I'm really proud of myself that I asked because I don't think if I had had this happen, I would have I would have probably been too self conscious to ask her to come on. But I reached out to my friend Julie McHugh, and she made an introduction. And then I just asked her, and if she said no, she would just say no, but she didn't. And so that's kind of fun. And so I really liked that during a dark time. There was kind of had some courage. So that's what I'm finding during this time is that there's a lot of really bad things that have happened, but there's some really cool things that have happened at the same time. and further to that, I've done this podcast as a passion project. worked really hard on it and I love it. But now I kind of want to build it and maybe I even need to build it more than I did before. So maybe this interview will help and if you enjoyed this podcast, please share it with a couple of friends that would mean a lot and it's a great way for me to grow. So I hope you enjoyed this talk as much as I did, and I will talk with you soon.